Because of him

Warning: The following blog post may be upsetting to some readers.


Before my wife finished the words that my next child is a boy I was in tears, choking up on some caged emotion rooted deep inside of me. The following news that he has trisomy-13 sucked any remaining feeling I had left in my body. I vaguely remember getting my things together from work and stumbling to my car in tears and gasps for air. As I was walking to my car I pulled out my cell phone to call the one person I was hoping could take this pain away. When my mother answered on the opposite end of the line she did not open with a "hello" or "hi", she asked, "are you ok?!" Her question was the catalyst needed for me to lose my head.

I had never screamed as hard as I did into the phone in response to her question on my well-being. My scream of "NO!" drew out until I was out of breath and my entire body began to convulse from a lack of oxygen. She replied that she was going to come pick me up so that I would not have to make the 20 minute commute to my apartment to be with my wife. Sitting in my car I screamed and cried and retched until my throat burned.

In the early morning hours a man raced his old pick-up through the desert in southern Nevada. He came to a stop in the middle of a valley and got out of his truck. He had a tear-streaked face and he appeared to have had no sleep in days. He tilted his watery bloodshot eyes and whispered, "God if he has to die, you will have to die." He spat into the dirt and looked down at the horizon. His eyes became unfocused and they began to fill with tears. The man threw his arms askew and screamed at the sky above.

I have had some time to deal with the news about my son Eli. I know that he does not have much time on this Earth. I know that most people mean well when they say things like "God has a plan" or "God will take care of everything." To me, I hear "Yeah I don't really know why the fuck this is happening, but that's things ya know?" I don't want there to be a plan, I don't want the idea in my head like I have no control over what's happening in my life.

If God really had a plan from the beginning, if I knew he was going to put me through something this painful, this spiritually crushing when I was old enough to know who God was, I would have said for him to screw off and go screw with someone who actually deserved it. It's not fucking right for him to put my wife through this pain! Not my daughter! Not my family! Not me! It's not right! It's not fucking fair!

I stood on the edge of heaven at the golden gates where Peter stands. "Stand aside Peter, I have business with Him." Peter looked at me and nodded, reluctantly. The gates to heaven slowly opened. I sprinted to the throne room where He sits. "Heaven can't have Elijah. Heaven can't hold my boy. It's not time for him to go yet. Where are his wings? Give them to me! Take me instead! God can you hear me!?" I stumble to His throne where he sat, my eyes smeared with tears. "You can't have him, you just can't" I mutter to him as the knowledge of where I am bears down on me. He looks at me and says, "Child of mine, be not afraid. He will be without sickness or pain here, he will be whole, he will be in the company of others that you love."

My mother asked me a few weeks ago what I wanted for Christmas this year. This year's list has been harder than any before to come up with. I was finally able to throw together some unimportant, fleeting present ideas of dvd's and gift cards from Best Buy. The only thing that I really want for Christmas is to be able to hold my son and tell him that everything is going to be alright.