It comes to this.

It has been awhile by dear readers, I apologize for my abscense. Tommorow marks another day at the hospital. Another ultra-sound of my wife's belly. Another image of my sick darling son.

We have been waiting for this day with dubious anxiety. Neither my wife nor I want this day to come, but it is here now. I want it to come and yet I don't. I'm tired of waiting and yet not waiting means that my time with Eli is almost over.

The emotional rollercoaster has definately made my wife and I closer and stronger as a family unit, at times I feel Eli has saved our family. My son is sick. He won't get better, there is nothing I can do to make him healthy. The ultrasound will show us if there has been any change in Laura's body, or Eli's. Is it terrible of me to want them to find something so I can see my son? It has been turning over and over in my head these past months. When I focus on it I feel like vomiting, I feel like a piece of my chest constricts and won't let me breathe.

Yes I do want them to find something, some reason to induce. I know that I won't get to spend much time with my son. I need this so the weight that has been crushing me, the woman I love, and my family dissolves like dew on a summer morning.