I decided that I should not shy away from this anymore.
I play video games. I don't lift weights.
Today Is Not Most Days
9 years ago
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Lack of clever.
I find it frustrating when I know that I have a lot to say, but nothing very clever.
In the meantime, while I try and find that razor sharp wit again check out Allie's website.
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
It happens to be everything I wish my blog was.
end.
In the meantime, while I try and find that razor sharp wit again check out Allie's website.
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
It happens to be everything I wish my blog was.
end.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
And then there was peace...
So it looks like I have not written anything on this blog for 11 months. So much has happened since I last sat in front of a keyboard and computer screen to write anything down. I've experienced the worst year of my life these past 11 months, I've never known so much pain before. In April, I met my son Elijah. After only 12 hours I had to say goodbye to him forever. His body was more complete than I thought it would be on the outside, but inside he fought for his life until the end. I put myself in grief therapy this past summer, for better or worse, to discover that I have attachment issues. The week of my birthday I went to the ER with the worst headache I have ever had. After my first CT scan and spinal tap I was diagnosed with viral meningitis and spent the next three days in the hospital, for the very first time being the patient.
The man that emerged from this past year is not the same one from 2009. This is an obvious statement of course but the changes are not all physically apparent. There is a new darkness somewhere in my heart, a new anger. Sometimes, I have noticed that my carefree sarcastic demeanor has a new edge to it. There is a sharpness in my words that at times sound cruel. The world of color that existed before the death of my son has been replaced my a world of black and white.
This past weekend, while my family was together at my parents house, we sat down Christmas Eve to our family tradition, watching "Miracle", the story of the 1980 US Hockey Team win over the Soviet Union in the Olympics; before Santa would arrive. The movie's climax is punctuated by the famous Al Michaels's line "Do you believe in Miracles!?" The movie hasn't lost any of its entertainment value over the past 5 years, though some of the extended family does not understand why it is a family tradition, when none of our family even play hockey(on that Olympic team were 6 of my mom's classmates from High School in Northern Minnesota). The story, and the movie, are both classics.
The following morning my mother told us at breakfast that it was the first time watching the movie that she did not answer to herself that she did indeed believe in miracles. While my siblings found her new outlook on life depressing on Christmas morning, I left my mother's new found clarity untarnished by criticism.
Later that day I misplaced my wallet. The quest to find it included tossing my wife and my suitcase several times, overturning couch cushions, digging through wrapping paper, eight trips to 4 cars to look under seats, even a 15 minute detour during a beer run to look in my town home three miles away. My friend, the darkness began to surface, and after a three hour search I found my wallet exactly where I had left it, on top of a tupperware container in my old closet. As I was leaving my old room I was stopped by my mother. "Come back in here so we can talk," she said in her best motherly tone. She asked me how everything was going, her instincts have always been right when it comes to the emotions of her offspring. She also told me that she had been praying to Saint Anthony that I would be able to locate my wallet, and asked if I had been upset with what she had said about not believing in miracles.
I had not been upset with what my mother had said. I informed her that I was actually quite glad that she had said it. It is hard after the loss of a child to believe in anything good in the world. Any concept of God that I had formed over the past 25 years is completely changed. A similar reaction that I had felt several times in my life before. The truth about Santa and the easter bunny, Loch Ness monster and Bigfoot all had their masks of truth cast off in similar fashion and the mask of God was no different. Here was an entity that I grew up loving and fearing, a ultimate father figure that looked out of all good people, and made sure justice came to the bad, now all of a sudden a light of truth melting away the mysteries. The rareness of my son's fatal condition, the lack of someone or something to blame left only one person responsible, God. God could have saved my son I was led to believe, God could have intervened, never caused any of this to happen to my wife, the pain she feels for Elijah is an everyday struggle for me to watch. I started to become insulted by aquaintences of mine that would respond with "God has a plan for everything," and "God works in mysterious ways," when hearing of my son's passing. Was that their real belief? All the bad that is allowed to happen in the world gets a pass because God works in mysterious ways? Where was God during all of this? What was his reason?
I let my mother know that it was comforting that she has trouble believing in miracles anymore because I no longer do. I told her that even though that may be the case, that doesn't mean good things can no longer happen, acts of kindness are still out there, decency is not dead. I told her it was comforting, knowing that someone else in the world felt like I did. That my beliefs would now be formed out of my own experience, not out of some ancient book of psalms.
Before we left the room and headed to dinner I let her know one more thing. How was I supposed to believe in someone who lets so much pain and suffering to befall his innocent and peaceful children? I told her that if God were real, really real, mortal and walking on Earth, I would do anything in my power to kill him for what he put the people I care most about through.
fin.
The man that emerged from this past year is not the same one from 2009. This is an obvious statement of course but the changes are not all physically apparent. There is a new darkness somewhere in my heart, a new anger. Sometimes, I have noticed that my carefree sarcastic demeanor has a new edge to it. There is a sharpness in my words that at times sound cruel. The world of color that existed before the death of my son has been replaced my a world of black and white.
This past weekend, while my family was together at my parents house, we sat down Christmas Eve to our family tradition, watching "Miracle", the story of the 1980 US Hockey Team win over the Soviet Union in the Olympics; before Santa would arrive. The movie's climax is punctuated by the famous Al Michaels's line "Do you believe in Miracles!?" The movie hasn't lost any of its entertainment value over the past 5 years, though some of the extended family does not understand why it is a family tradition, when none of our family even play hockey(on that Olympic team were 6 of my mom's classmates from High School in Northern Minnesota). The story, and the movie, are both classics.
The following morning my mother told us at breakfast that it was the first time watching the movie that she did not answer to herself that she did indeed believe in miracles. While my siblings found her new outlook on life depressing on Christmas morning, I left my mother's new found clarity untarnished by criticism.
Later that day I misplaced my wallet. The quest to find it included tossing my wife and my suitcase several times, overturning couch cushions, digging through wrapping paper, eight trips to 4 cars to look under seats, even a 15 minute detour during a beer run to look in my town home three miles away. My friend, the darkness began to surface, and after a three hour search I found my wallet exactly where I had left it, on top of a tupperware container in my old closet. As I was leaving my old room I was stopped by my mother. "Come back in here so we can talk," she said in her best motherly tone. She asked me how everything was going, her instincts have always been right when it comes to the emotions of her offspring. She also told me that she had been praying to Saint Anthony that I would be able to locate my wallet, and asked if I had been upset with what she had said about not believing in miracles.
I had not been upset with what my mother had said. I informed her that I was actually quite glad that she had said it. It is hard after the loss of a child to believe in anything good in the world. Any concept of God that I had formed over the past 25 years is completely changed. A similar reaction that I had felt several times in my life before. The truth about Santa and the easter bunny, Loch Ness monster and Bigfoot all had their masks of truth cast off in similar fashion and the mask of God was no different. Here was an entity that I grew up loving and fearing, a ultimate father figure that looked out of all good people, and made sure justice came to the bad, now all of a sudden a light of truth melting away the mysteries. The rareness of my son's fatal condition, the lack of someone or something to blame left only one person responsible, God. God could have saved my son I was led to believe, God could have intervened, never caused any of this to happen to my wife, the pain she feels for Elijah is an everyday struggle for me to watch. I started to become insulted by aquaintences of mine that would respond with "God has a plan for everything," and "God works in mysterious ways," when hearing of my son's passing. Was that their real belief? All the bad that is allowed to happen in the world gets a pass because God works in mysterious ways? Where was God during all of this? What was his reason?
I let my mother know that it was comforting that she has trouble believing in miracles anymore because I no longer do. I told her that even though that may be the case, that doesn't mean good things can no longer happen, acts of kindness are still out there, decency is not dead. I told her it was comforting, knowing that someone else in the world felt like I did. That my beliefs would now be formed out of my own experience, not out of some ancient book of psalms.
Before we left the room and headed to dinner I let her know one more thing. How was I supposed to believe in someone who lets so much pain and suffering to befall his innocent and peaceful children? I told her that if God were real, really real, mortal and walking on Earth, I would do anything in my power to kill him for what he put the people I care most about through.
fin.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
It comes to this.
It has been awhile by dear readers, I apologize for my abscense. Tommorow marks another day at the hospital. Another ultra-sound of my wife's belly. Another image of my sick darling son.
We have been waiting for this day with dubious anxiety. Neither my wife nor I want this day to come, but it is here now. I want it to come and yet I don't. I'm tired of waiting and yet not waiting means that my time with Eli is almost over.
The emotional rollercoaster has definately made my wife and I closer and stronger as a family unit, at times I feel Eli has saved our family. My son is sick. He won't get better, there is nothing I can do to make him healthy. The ultrasound will show us if there has been any change in Laura's body, or Eli's. Is it terrible of me to want them to find something so I can see my son? It has been turning over and over in my head these past months. When I focus on it I feel like vomiting, I feel like a piece of my chest constricts and won't let me breathe.
Yes I do want them to find something, some reason to induce. I know that I won't get to spend much time with my son. I need this so the weight that has been crushing me, the woman I love, and my family dissolves like dew on a summer morning.
We have been waiting for this day with dubious anxiety. Neither my wife nor I want this day to come, but it is here now. I want it to come and yet I don't. I'm tired of waiting and yet not waiting means that my time with Eli is almost over.
The emotional rollercoaster has definately made my wife and I closer and stronger as a family unit, at times I feel Eli has saved our family. My son is sick. He won't get better, there is nothing I can do to make him healthy. The ultrasound will show us if there has been any change in Laura's body, or Eli's. Is it terrible of me to want them to find something so I can see my son? It has been turning over and over in my head these past months. When I focus on it I feel like vomiting, I feel like a piece of my chest constricts and won't let me breathe.
Yes I do want them to find something, some reason to induce. I know that I won't get to spend much time with my son. I need this so the weight that has been crushing me, the woman I love, and my family dissolves like dew on a summer morning.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Oh what a decade
Very excited for the weekend. Family is traveling to the house of our parents where we will have our christmas that was delayed due to the monster snow storm of last week.
To mark the end of the year I thought I would compose another light-hearted blog. I racked my brain for the past decade's best Sci-Fi movies.
Synopsi to follow.
10. Children of Men
9. Star Trek (2009)
8. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
7. Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
6. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
5. The Fountain
4. District 9
3. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
2. Sunshine
1. The Matrix
To mark the end of the year I thought I would compose another light-hearted blog. I racked my brain for the past decade's best Sci-Fi movies.
Synopsi to follow.
10. Children of Men
9. Star Trek (2009)
8. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
7. Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
6. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
5. The Fountain
4. District 9
3. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
2. Sunshine
1. The Matrix
Monday, December 28, 2009
Let's talk about this...
I have more to say about what is going on with Eli, myself, and Laura but I don't have the time or much energy to spend on that right now. There will be more info on that at a later time.
So, a more light-hearted affair. Let's talk about games.
I had some of the most fun that I have ever had with my wife over the extended weekend at her mother's house. Here in the Midwest we were hammered with a huge blizzard that scored our region with around 15 inches of snow. What is a tech savy couple to do? Play Mario Kart.
I have never really enjoyed the Nintendo racer game, it always was too difficult on the first system I played it on the N64. On the Wii, the game is incredibly addicting. Laura and I discovered how to unlock more tracks and characters over the long weekend and we spent a few hours playing and laughing to our hearts content. It was such a relief not to be focusing on what should have been our hardest christmas together. Our first christmas as a married couple.
One of my presents on Christmas morning were two cards for Wii points, something I had placed on my list rather absent mindedly, not expecting anyone to purchase them for me. I am glad that I did receive them. With the points you can download hundreds of old Nintendo, Super Nintendo, and N64 games with a Wii connected to the internet. They even have a handful of titles from the ancient Commodore 64. To my wife's delight I downloaded Mario Kart 64, a title she kept talking about over the weekend during our dozens of tournaments of MarioKart Wii on the basement tv. "Is this track from the 64 one?" she asked probably half a dozen times. Now she doesn't have to be uncertain.
I also downloaded the original Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I played the original Final Fantasy back in the late 80's and Ocarina was my second Zelda game that held my attention through many of my formative years.
Alas I am out of time dear readers.
Ta.
So, a more light-hearted affair. Let's talk about games.
I had some of the most fun that I have ever had with my wife over the extended weekend at her mother's house. Here in the Midwest we were hammered with a huge blizzard that scored our region with around 15 inches of snow. What is a tech savy couple to do? Play Mario Kart.
I have never really enjoyed the Nintendo racer game, it always was too difficult on the first system I played it on the N64. On the Wii, the game is incredibly addicting. Laura and I discovered how to unlock more tracks and characters over the long weekend and we spent a few hours playing and laughing to our hearts content. It was such a relief not to be focusing on what should have been our hardest christmas together. Our first christmas as a married couple.
One of my presents on Christmas morning were two cards for Wii points, something I had placed on my list rather absent mindedly, not expecting anyone to purchase them for me. I am glad that I did receive them. With the points you can download hundreds of old Nintendo, Super Nintendo, and N64 games with a Wii connected to the internet. They even have a handful of titles from the ancient Commodore 64. To my wife's delight I downloaded Mario Kart 64, a title she kept talking about over the weekend during our dozens of tournaments of MarioKart Wii on the basement tv. "Is this track from the 64 one?" she asked probably half a dozen times. Now she doesn't have to be uncertain.
I also downloaded the original Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I played the original Final Fantasy back in the late 80's and Ocarina was my second Zelda game that held my attention through many of my formative years.
Alas I am out of time dear readers.
Ta.
December 28
I have not been diligent about blogging lately. I will have more to say over lunch perhaps. The hardest part of all of this is finding a computer where I can type in peace. If only my desktop computer were a laptop. "Hint hint Santa."
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